Insecurity will finish a relationship before it can even begin.
Learning how to stop being insecure in a relationship is such an important part of being a healthy person in a healthy relationship where both partners feel appreciated, trusted, and loved.
Now, there are some relationships where you should feel insecure.
If you want to learn how to stop being insecure after being cheated on, for example, then you need to ditch the person who cheated on you.
That relationship will never, ever be the same and you deserve somebody that you can trust.
But often insecurity in a relationship stems from our own issues and self-esteem.
We are desparate for attention and validation and constantly worrying about not being good enough.
And that’s no way to live.
Here’s how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship so you can actually enjoy yourself and not be the reason for its downfall.
Best Book for Dealing with Relationship Issues
This book, “Love More, Fight Less” is a game-changer when it comes to relationship issues if you are someone who is serious about fixing it once and for all (or realizing that it’s time to let go) (find it here).
I also highly recommend this “Questions for Couples” journal, which includes over 400 questions to help you reconnect and break the ice when you’re having a hard time remembering what made your relationship spark (find it here).
While therapy is always recommended in solving serious relationship problems, not everyone can afford it.
In that case, try out these couple’s therapy printable workbooks, which can help guide you through issues without leaving your house or spending a ton of money.
1. Pinpoint the Factors for Your Insecurity
Firstly, you need to figure out why you’re insecure.
Sometimes, the only reason is because of being inside your own head and overthinking in a relationship.
It might be that you have low self-esteem and think that your partner is much more attractive or successful than you and so you are constantly jealous of them talking to anyone else, even if in a platonic way, for fear that they’ll leave you.
Or your partner could be contributing.
Maybe your husband lies about things, maybe they don’t call when they say they will, maybe you have reasons to believe that they are actually engaging in affairs outside of your relationship or you’ve found messages to their friends that suggest they’re not as invested in your relationship as you are.
You need to figure out where the blame lies in order for you to learn how to stop being so insecure in your relationship, because sometimes the real solution is to get out of the relationship.
This self-love workbook is a fantastic way of realigning your own thoughts and outlook on yourself, which is important to do before you can really deal with anyone else’s feelings or thoughts about you.
2. Talk it Out if Your Partner is Contributing to the Insecurity
If you’ve identified behaviors that your partner is doing that contribute to your insecurity, it’s time to talk about it.
However, this is different than if you just feel threatened every time your partner talks to someone who isn’t you or takes a little longer than you’d like to respond to your text messages.
This is like, hey, I feel like you’re flirting with other people when we’re out and about or, I know you’re lying about where you were last night because I saw your friend you were supposed to be seeing when I was out grocery shopping.
You need to lay it all on the line and get to the bottom of the behavior to see if there’s a good reason for it, or if it points to a bigger issue of your partner being someone that you can’t trust.
Being insecure in any relationship is a “you” problem.
Being insecure in a particular relationship because your partner is giving you reasons to feel insecure is also a “them” problem.
3. Practice Positive Self-Talk and Self-Esteem Boosts
So let’s say you’re wondering how to stop being paranoid in a relationship because you are someone with low self-esteem who is constantly worried your partner will leave you for no reason.
You’ve got to get on that positive self-talk train like, now.
If you don’t feel you’re someone worth your partner sticking around for, you need to work on your feelings of worthiness and also take the steps to be a confident person including working on your mental health and your overall happiness with yourself.
At the end of the day, being someone who thinks they’re not worthy is going to ironically drive someone away, anyway, as it can be exhausting to always have to validate someone.
Go on that journey to be a happy, confident person by starting to engage in activities that make you happy and the inevitable side effect will be starting to feel more secure in your relationship.
4. Expand Your Network and Friendships Outside of Your Relationship
When we put our relationship on such a pedestal that we don’t get involved in any friendships or platonic relationships outside of it, it can cause us to fixate on what’s going on in the relationship.
Instead, discover your self-worth by cultivating your friendships and getting involved in the community.
Don’t make your relationship the only thing in your life, because it will warp how you feel and make it much harder to deal with any ups and downs in the relationship.
5. When Insecurity Creeps In, Address It
If you’ve determined that your low self-esteem is the root cause of your insecurity in your relationship and not your partner’s behaviors, still make sure to address it when the insecurity creeps in.
However, you don’t want it to turn into a constant needing of validation, but rather being honest about your feelings.
It can be very, very difficult for the other person if you are constantly needing them to remind you how they’re not going to leave you.
Not because they’re going to or have any thoughts about it, but because it is sort of like feeding a beast that just can’t get enough.
A caring partner will definitely talk to you about your insecurities though and encourage you to go out and do things for yourself and seek help like we’ll talk about in a second.
6. Go To a Therapist
Going to see a therapist about your tendancy to feel insecure in relationships is a fantastic option.
You can either go to see a counselor by yourself and work on your own self-esteem and issues that lead to the insecurities, or you can see a couple’s counselor who will work with both of you on your relationship dynamics, or you can do both.
You can also see a therapist virtually by using a service like Talkspace, which I highly recommend!
There is absolutely no shame, whatsoever, in seeing a therapist to talk about these issues and get some perspective.
In fact, sometimes an objective third party is literally the only person that can help us through because we have no connection to them and it allows us to be honest with ourselves and with them in a way that we can’t with our friends and family.