Are you the jealous type in a relationship?
Do you feel like you have to overthink and analyze every interaction your significant other has with someone else?
Do you feel like you’re always competing for their attention, even with people that pose absolutely no “threat” to you like their family members?
Jealousy can instantly ruin a relationship, and it can be both people who are jealous or just one.
There are a whole variety of ways someone can be jealous, but most of it has to do with being jealous of who the other person gives their attention to, and it can get bad when it comes to their friends of the same sex as you.
If you want your relationship to last, you have to address the jealousy before you get too entrenched in trying to break into their phone to see who they’ve been texting (don’t do that), and if the relationship does last through your jealousy, just know that it robs you of feeling happy and healthy and secure – and what’s the point of that?
Here’s how to get over jealousy in a relationship, and when it’s a bigger red flag.
Best Book for Dealing with Relationship Issues
This book, “Love More, Fight Less” is a game-changer when it comes to relationship issues if you are someone who is serious about fixing it once and for all (or realizing that it’s time to let go) (find it here).
I also highly recommend this “Questions for Couples” journal, which includes over 400 questions to help you reconnect and break the ice when you’re having a hard time remembering what made your relationship spark (find it here).
While therapy is always recommended in solving serious relationship problems, not everyone can afford it.
In that case, try out these couple’s therapy printable workbooks, which can help guide you through issues without leaving your house or spending a ton of money.
1. Figure Out if It’s Them or You
Before we get too far into tips on overcoming jealousy, I want to be careful to make sure that you aren’t being gaslit by your significant other into thinking you’re being jealous when you’re reacting to their very real behavior.
If your partner does things that makes you not trust them, whether that’s any past or present infidenlity, inappropriate conversations or flirting with others, or lying about where they are or what they’re doing, these are huge red flags and suggest that maybe the problem isn’t jealousy, but them!
2. If It’s Them, Dump Them or Have a Serious Talk
Don’t stay in a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
If they are giving you reasons not to trust them, you need to have a serious talk about it and decide if it’s worth staying in the relationship.
You should NOT put up with anyone who disrespects you or your relationship with their actions, like ignoring you.
The tips in this guide on overcoming jealousy are when the problem is you and your own insecurities, not a significant other who is actually being untrustworthy.
There are tons of people out there who won’t give you reason to question their every move – find one of them.
3. Talk to Your Significant Other About Your Jealousy and How to Handle Them
Say you’ve figured out that your significant other hasn’t given you reason not to trust them, and the problem is your own jealousy.
The first thing to do is to sit your significant other down and explain to them how you feel.
Be self-aware enough to talk about your jealousy in a way that you know you want to overcome it, not make them deal with it forever.
The problem with jealousy is that it will make you controlling, and that is one of the fastest ways to get someone to leave because it is a horrible feeling to feel constantly controlled by someone else.
Explain that you don’t want this to happen, and you want to feel secure, but that for some reason your own mind keeps bringing you into jealous places.
If they’re worth dating, they’ll respond in a way that allows you to talk about the issues and reassures you.
4. Set Ground Rules that You Agree On
If you’re struggling with jealousy, it might help to set some ground rules with your significant other so that you both feel on the same page with the “rules” in your relationship.
For example, some people might make a pact that they don’t hang out with opposite sex friends alone or that they have each other’s passwords.
Now, as a caveat, I don’t actually agree with this way of being in a relationship.
If you need to set “rules,” it means there are still problems.
In the ultimate relationship, your spouse or boyfriend could go out to dinner with a female friend to catch up and the only thing you should feel is relieved to have the house to yourself for the night.
This might be a good stop gap, however, to help you get over your jealousy and develop that bond with your significant other so that you can grow into a relationship where you fully, 100% trust them and the fact that they’ll respect your relationship at all times without cutting themselves off from the rest of the world.
5. Dig Deep into Why You Feel Inadequate
Feelings of jealousy stem from feeling inadequate.
You are jealous of your partner talking to someone else because you don’t feel good enough, and you feel “less than” that other person.
These are often self-esteem problems that you need to address so that you can get over the issues of jealousy.
It doesn’t always work to just fix the jealous issues in one particular relationship, because if you have those deeper self-esteem issues, they’ll keep cropping up in all relationships you’re in, including friendships and family relationships.
What is it about yourself that you don’t like?
Why do you feel envious of others – what’s missing in yourself?
These are all questions to answer as you try and get to the crux of your jealousy issue instead of just putting bandaids over it with “ground rules” and constant reassurance from your significant other.
6. Talk to a Therapist, Together or Separately
One way to figure out these jealousy feelings is to talk to a professional about it.
Therapy isn’t just for people struggling with something like mental illness or trauma.
You can absolutely go and see a therapist, couples or individual, in order to address jealous feelings and figure out the root of your problems.
In fact, I would highly recommend you open up to a therapist about these issues and notice how much better you’ll feel in being able to feel confident in yourself and not need to attach yourself to the jealous feelings and control your partner all of the time.